Archive for July, 2009
Jul
15
Empty seats
When you spot an empty seat on a train, in order to rightfully claim it you must move as close to the arriving train doors as possible. You must judge the exact momentum of the train to stand in exactly the right place as it stops.
When the doors open you should immediately and confidently stride towards the seat. When seats are at stake, you are exempt from letting people off the train first.
If anyone else reaches the seat first, you must glare at the person in a mixture of despair and annoyance. Try to hide the psychopathic voice in your head saying ‘That seat was mine. MINE I TELL YOU. You will die in a horrific accident involving a lorry and a rusty fork.’
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Jul
10
Holding on
It is clearly totally unexpected that a train will begin to move once the doors have closed. For this reason, there is no reason to hold on to anything.
Instead, you should perform one of two acrobatic routines when the train starts to move:
1) The ‘off-balance tap dancing shuffle’ along the train gangway.
Or
2) The ‘nearly lost my balance but managed to grab a support bar whilst punching the person next to me in the face’ manoeuvre.
You should aim to kick or tread on at least one person’s foot along the way.
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Jul
09
Holding doors open
When somebody holds a door open, you should pass through quickly and deftly without holding the door open for the person behind. You should do this with an air of nonchalance.
The person behind you should not expect to get an easy pre-opened door just because the person in front held it open just for you.
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