When arriving at the ticket barriers in a station, you should approach the front of the queue, then stop to search for your ticket/oyster card in your stupidly large bag or deep pockets.
You should do this regardless of how much time you spent motionless on the train or going up and down escalators.
It is also quite normal to scrunch up the ticket in said bag/pocket so even when it is found, it will be rejected by the machine.
(Thanks to Wendy for the tip)
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When reading a newspaper on public transport of any sort, you should ensure that the paper occupies at least the space of an extra, fully grown adult. You needn’t worry about the people contorting their spine around you, they can read the paper too, for free – the cheapskates!
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As a pedestrian in London, you should be aware that pedestrian crossings are merely for decoration, or temporary car-stopping amusement.
If you actually want to cross the road, you should find a point either side of the actual crossing and attempt to cross while the traffic is still moving. This will show the suckers still waiting at the crossing that you are infinitely more efficient than them.
If unable to cross the road in one single attempt, you should stand precariously in the middle of the road for up to two minutes. Once two minutes have elapsed, you should continue confidently walking. The traffic will stop because no-one wants to dent their bonnet and have to tell their insurance company.
If a car has the audacity to sound their horn, you should unleash a volley of verbal vitriol in their direction. After all, pedestrians have right of way in the middle of the road, especially when they need to catch their once-in-every-ten-minutes bus sitting on the other side.
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When faced with an inconveniently long queue of people waiting for a train, you should attempt to creep along the outside of the queue when people are not looking directly at you, ultimately ending up at the front of the queue.
For extra bravery, you can attempt to stand on the wrong side of the ‘yellow line of death’. This will make the waiting commuters behind you very grateful for protecting them from the high-speed rolling lump of metal merely inches away from your face.
If anyone attempts to block your movement to the front, move along to the next door and repeat or push them out the way when the train stops and board before them regardless.
(Thanks to Alex for the tip)
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When mashed out of your mind you should wander around a station asking people for convincingly odd amounts of change, like 96p for example.
Even though the train fare is £1.50, and the ticket machine doesn’t accept copper coins.
To increase your chances, you should also explain that you’ve left your travel card at home. Of course, if you had genuinely left your card at home, you could already have walked a couple of miles in the time you’ve taken to stagger around the station asking for money.
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When employed to hand out one of the plethora of free newspapers, you should hand out the papers using a Karate inspired paper-chop manoeuvre straight to the middle.
You should be especially pleased if you wind someone when doing so.
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When travelling with extremely heavy luggage, be sure to pick stations with as many steps as possible; especially when travelling at peak time.
If you witness someone else carrying heavy luggage on stairs, you must not offer help in any circumstances lest they delay your journey by valuable seconds.
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Large groups of tourists/students/children should huddle in a large group and all try to squeeze in to one train door. This will ensure the group remains together in case one end of the train suddenly heads off in a different direction.
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